Exam Nerves

People are staring at me, would like to hear me. And I can’t get a word out of my mouth. Do I really want that? Or ought I search for an alternative? Am I good enough? Am I able do succeed? This exam will decide my future! I can’t fail, am not ALLOWED to fail.

Written exams are OK. If I have studied enough, I can just write down the answers, don’t have to look into anyone’s eyes and can go, whenever I am finished. Or can skip a question, when I don’t have a clue – and nobody notices.
But oral exams, two to three people are looking at me, like to calm me down, get all the knowledge out of my mouth. That’s how it feels like for me. You can see the immediate reaction to the answer in their faces, just a few people I can’t read. You get insecure, start stuttering, drink a sip of water to calm down. It’s all right again and after 20min the exam is over.

I am glad, that the only oral exam this semester is Spanish. I already had a one-to-one lesson with this teacher, the exam will be good. And I know Spanish. But would it be an examination for a certificate, I would scream, run in circles and would get crazy – inside of course. Outside I am calm.

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Time Management

To plan time is not as easy as I always thought. Something is always happening. And if there is this new and continuous task appearing in your life, this filigree framework you worked out is beginning to shake.

In the last couple of weeks I tried to reconstruct this framework and while doing that try to include all the things that are important to me. Not an easy task, to decide between important tasks, which have to be definitely done and between others, that can get kicked off the list.
In the past I always thought that the books are taking it a step too far from reality, with all their prioritising, cutting off tasks and to have a not too tough time-table. But in the end I did exactly that. Unknown. But maybe not.

This new concept about my time works pretty well. I get along with it and I even got some time to write again. That, what’s important to me, will always get it’s place back in my life =).

Magic of books

My head passes the surface. I take a deep breath in and breath out again and realise, that nothing has changed in the outside world. It is still grey outside, the cocoa is still steaming and the rain knocks on my window.

Although I didn’t leave the room, I came from far away. Again I finished a book, and it makes me a bit sad, to realise that I will never be able to read that book for the first time ever again. I now know, how it will finish, I know, which changes are going to happen and I know, that I can’t start any book now.
The next book has to fit into the moment. That’s why I still not now, if I should really start a new book, or take a break from reading.

As I can’t decide right now, I first drink the cocoa and eat a piece of chocolate. I still have time, as the stories in books are not running away and won’t change as quickly.

Fears of a Sailor

It’s starting again. Green sails, only the sea around to look at. A good friend of mine is also here with me. Nothing can go wrong. We are full of motivation and are patiently awaiting our fellow sailors. The time of the boarding comes and goes, tourists are standing at the pier and asking for information about the ship, which we are happy to provide. But, where are the other sailors? We can’t sail the ship on our own. The captain is on board, a mate joins him and the cook tries to keep us happy with cake.
We have to reach the next harbour, so it gets decided, that we are able to it with such a small crew and start our journey. We haven’t expected that, but we are still full of motivation and somehow it is going to work.

In the next moment the ship is fully occupied, we are “sailing” with all available sails. But actually we are not moving forward, as no wind at all is blowing. We are standing on one spot. The captain and the mates are out of ideas, what else we could do during this calm. So we try to keep ourselves happy and talk about our lives, our dreams and hopes, we are singing shanties and start spinning a sailor’s yarn. If we will ever reach the next harbour is written in the wind.

Both are scenarios, that didn’t happen like that, but filled my head during bed time. Like so often, my brain tried to visualize my fears. My fears of a sailor – to that they will never become reality!

Future?

It’s semester break. After seven semesters most classmates have now finished their studies and had their last exam. The last time the lights were turned off and a last time they went outside.
The questions: What happens now? And where do you see yourself in 10 years? keep running around in their minds.

To be honest, I had no idea and still have no idea, about what is going to happen. 10 years is a long time. 10 years ago I only hoped to get into the same class as my to this time best friend (it didn’t happen). That I would do an exchange year and study, what I am studying right now, never even crossed my mind.

So, how am I supposed to know now, where I am going to be in 10 years? I didn’t get wiser. I don’t really started the family plan and neither the plan about my career. I’d like to be happy with my life and support all decisions, I ever made –  may it be good ones or bad ones. Some day I want to tell my grandchildren with bright eyes about my adventures.

I am exited, to get to know, where I will be in 10 years. What I am doing, how I decided in the question: Masters or travelling? I still have half a year of studies left, then I may call myself engineer. And then? – I’m going to keep you updated.

Autumn

Grey weather and a lot of rain. That makes autumn really uncomfortable. But then again, there are so many nice things, that make autumn beautiful.

The colourful leaves in the trees. The sunshine and the cold at the same time and additionally to that the wonderful light, while driving through the forest. With every step a rustle underneath the shoes. And even more beautiful it gets, when driving with the bike through all the foliage and fallen branches.
The animal kingdom is changing. Birds are flying southwards and to watch the birds gathering and flying away cost me a lot of time during the last weeks.
It’s getting dark early, which makes life a bit mysterious. Behind every bush something could be hiding and so I take more notice while driving through town or the park. And there are animals, that you can’t see as often during summer time. In the last weeks I have heard and saw a lot of bats. An owl crossed my way one night. Autumn is beautiful!

Even though it’s often grey, the positive thing is, that it’s not raining. And if it is raining once in a while, I still can hide in my bed with a good book and a hot chocolate beside me. And once again it is comfortable to listen to the rain falling against my window.